Things that Turn Me On

• Men who call.  Texting is great but CALLING is the new, “I checked this box because I LIKE you.” 
• A guy who looks like he may beat me up.  But wait! He’s gay! In theoretical terms, this is called homonormativity. 
• Guys who call jail the “clink” and refer to beer as “suds.”
• Men who pay for dinner.  Just keepin’ it real.  Not that I expect to be a kept man, ‘cuz I don’t. 
• Deep appreciation for any of the following artists: Jenny Lewis, Liz Phair, Fiona Apple, Poe 
• A straight guy who gets a ton of joy out of playing with his dog at the dog park. Paradox.    

Things that Turn Me Off 

• Complications.
• Guys who say things like “homonormativity.” See how I pulled that joke through.  
• Guys who shave their legs, or, worse, ARMS.  
• Questions about Big Brother.
• A gay republican.  It’s like failing an IQ test.  
• Grindr.  Oh, I’m on it.  But anything that has to do with Grindr turns me off.  Paradox.